Student Newspaper April Fools’ Editions: Screenshots and Snippets

UpdateDaily Lobo April Fools’ Edition at University of New Mexico Stirs Some ‘Raised Eyebrows,’ Press Attention

As they always do on or near the first of April, some student media are publishing and posting an array of satirical material– including full-blown April Fools’ editions. Unlike past years, at the moment, no controversies have erupted– at least to the point of going viral.

Below is a running screenshot sampling of 2013 student press spooftasticness.

Please email or tweet me to add your April Fools’ edition to the mix.

The Daily Halfasskan

(The Daily Nebraskan, University of Nebraska-Lincoln)

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The lead story announces the appointment of a conservative UNL male student as the new head of the university’s Women’s Center.  He may or may not be slightly out-of-touch on contemporary women’s issues.  As he shares, “I stand before you today as a man of women.  Feminism has met its goals, and women are now equal with men as they should be, which means the battle is over! In the mean time, I will do my best to maintain the status quo, and to stop those so-called ‘feminists’ who don’t realize that women are already considered equal. Greed will get us nowhere.”

A separate piece that made me laugh out loud involved the transformation of the school’s health center into a morgue.  As one student mentions, “I needed to go to the health center to see if I had mono.  But the lady at the front desk told me they’d only be able to serve me if mono eventually killed me.”

Le GW Hachét

(The GW Hatchet, George Washington University)

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The lede of one front-page story: “As acceptance letters landed in Class of 2017 inboxes last week, administrators touted an upsurge in the number of hipsters who will make up the incoming freshmen class.”  Another story discusses a university switch to verbal transcripts instead of written ones.  The header: “University to give only oral.

The Pitt News, University of Pittsburgh

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Among the satirical fare is a scoop about hip-hop star Wiz Khalifa entering the race for Pittsburgh mayor.  He has challenged his opponent to a rap battle.  And as he says about his plans, alluding to the city’s decision last December to declare a Wiz Khalifa day (apparently an actual happening): “I don’t just want a day.  I’m ready for an era.

The Pest

(The Post, Ohio University)

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The front-page centerpiece depicts a currently stalled $200,000 plan to install a working escalator (see pic above) into a well-known hill on campus.  When it’s fixed, according to an OU freshman, “I’ll be able to carry my Franzia in one hand and my iPhone in the other again without getting out of breath and all, you know, hashtag gross and sweaty.”

In a separate editorial, Pest editors outline “a new initiative to reduce our carbon footprint: We’ll be delivering the papers straight to their final resting places, instead of relying on you to do it for us. . . . We understand that we produce a large amount of paper that goes to waste on campus, plastering the sidewalks, sitting in newsstands, and carpeting the floor of our favorite Baker Center restrooms.”

The Cavalier “Daily”

(The Cavalier Daily, University of Virginia)

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One giggle-worthy front-page scoop centered on complaints about students who use the library leading to a drop in the school’s Playboy party ranking.  As one student party animal exclaimed,  “Come on– they just had to ruin it for the rest of us.  I’m depressed.  Let’s get hammered!”

My loudest laughs were reserved for a feature on the paper’s use of “beggar newsboys” to bring social media promotion back to its old school roots.  As the Cavalier Daily’s social media exec said facetiously about the scheme, “‘Our innovative attempt to penetrate the endless stream of peer-to-peer news with the anachronism of Gilded Age orphans has never been tried before, and reports shows our new campaign is already going viral. . . . Readers were missing the vintage feel of scrappy street-smart boys with thick Brooklyn accents hawking papers on street corners.”  A newsboy’s response: “I’m so hungry.”

The Daily Pennsylvanian, Penn

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A bevy of fun, funny stories abound in the full spoof issue— from the school’s endorsement of Naderol (natural Adderall) to 15 fraternities being kicked off campus. As a father of a Penn frat guy reacted to the latter report: “I hear one fraternity was kicked off for making pledges kill a keg.  Hell, when I was at Penn, we made pledges chug horse feces while we beat them with spiked bats.”

In a separate op-ed, a Penn freshman shares what he learned in his writing seminar– screenshot below (yes it is blank where words should be).

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The Dirty Bird

(The Badger Herald, University of Wisconsin-Madison)

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The first featured piece reports “reptilian shape-shifters” have taken over the bodies of UW-Madison student government officers.  Smart move?  The overlord is having second thoughts: “In an exclusive interview with the nameless reptilian overlord who has possessed world leaders like George W. Bush and multiple CNN reporters, he said he is now realizing his mistake in choosing University of Wisconsin student leaders to further his master plan.  ‘I sensed a lot of egos and thought they were actually powerful,’ he said. ‘I wasted, like, 20 of my best life forms on this. F*ck.’”

Nearby, a sports rundown made me giggle raucously.  Apparently, longtime Badgers football coach and current school athletics director Barry Alvarez has commissioned a statue depicting himself to be built in the center of the university football field.  In his words, “Let’s be honest, ever since I’ve left I’ve cast a huge f*cking shadow over this program.  So, I figured, what the hell?  Might as well make that shadow a literal one instead of a metaphor.”

FSView, Florida State

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The lead story shares the plight of the school mascot and his horse– they are both stranded atop a campus building.  As a professor told the paper after discovering a “spear firmly planted in his desk, and a gaping hole in the ceiling to the roof above”: “I wasn’t even mad, I was thankful.  How often do you actually get to your office hours on time, and when you do there’s a spear in your desk. I got to leave office hours early, even though I was going to anyways considering my students never come.” Meanwhile, the horse’s reaction made me laugh out loud: “[H]e simply nayed and shook his head, refusing to comment on the situation.

The Washington Square News, NYU

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One of the many laugh-out-loud reports in the issue is a scoop about NYU’s selection of Jennifer Lawrence as the school’s next commencement speaker.  What the piece proved: reporting on J-Law is tough.  As a snippet toward the end notes, “When reached for comment, Lawrence would only giggle to a WSN reporter for 10 minutes on the phone.  Her response delighted the writer to such an extent that he failed to ask a follow-up question.”

A separate write-up on Tyler Perry’s new movie name drops a TON.  A portion: “The trailer for ‘Tyler Perry Presents Temptation,’ which is based on the novel ‘Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry as Tyler Perry,’ written by Tyler Perry, demonstrates Tyler Perry’s deft knowledge of how to navigate a modern romantic relationship. . . . ‘Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry as Tyler Perry’ did, however, end on a serious note.  ‘But seriously, you guys,’ Tyler Perry says solemnly. ‘Be sure to check out my upcoming movie ‘Tyler Perry Presents: Marriage is Terrible and Men Dressed as Women Are Hysterical.’  Perry spends the remaining 47 seconds laughing and shouting ‘Tyler Perry!’ before leaving the set, an armchair and cutouts of various Perry characters.”

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The Diamondback, UMD

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As the front page screenshot above shows, the University of Maryland football field is now a robust red color– fans’ health be damned.  As the paper notes in the cutline, “Although several fans had to be carried out after experiencing fainting, vomiting, and utter confusion upon seeing the new field, athletic department officials are confident the unique design will help in recruitment and fundraising efforts.”

The report below it tells the tale of Pink, a police dog who now holds some sort of leadership position.  A portion of the piece: “The black labrador retriever, who proudly sports her ‘Do Not Pet’ vest, quickly rose up the department’s ranks from explosives detection to lead forensic analysis.  As the new supervisor of all Police Auxiliary operations and campus entrance ID checks, Pink demonstrates a dedication to weeding out potential criminals, colleagues say, particularly American Shorthairs, Scottish Folds, and juniors enrolled in letters and sciences.”

Separately, I have to promote an op-ed in the regular issue (the spoof portion seems to be limited to a faux front page).  It’s a stream-of-consciousness recap of observations made by a “man at a party.”  As it begins, “What beasts violate the sanctity of my being?  Thoughts stumble over one another like willow trees blown down by torrential downpours and violent hurricane breaths.  My peers, like my thoughts, struggle to erect themselves, some falling while laughing with uncontrollable jubilance, some bowing before their God while they speak porcelain prayers. Half-man, half-beast.”

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The Rectangle

(The Triangle, Drexel University)

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A below-the-fold front-page piece announces Drexel’s plan to house students in the Philadelphia Zoo.  Students choosing to live the animal life, on display, will of course pay reduced residence hall rates.  How should students be organized in the zoo? “Students who are considered carnivores will be housed with the lions, tigers, cheetahs and wolves, and students who identify as herbivores will have buffalo, horses, elephants, koalas or zebras as roommates.”

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Another page houses faux obituaries for Triangle staff, including photo editor Ajon Brodie.  As his obit begins, “Ajon Brodie, the esteemed photo editor of The Triangle, had photographed celebrities, politicians, and even his fair share of Disney Channel stars, but it was his attempt to photograph Drexel President Jay Frizzle that was the cause of his untimely death.”  Apparently, you don’t want to try snapping shots of Frizzle while he’s getting into his “dragon-shaped limousine.”

The Montclarion, Montclair State

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One front-page story reports Sarah Palin has been elected Montclair State’s student government president.  According to the article, “She has stated that some of her main concerns will be to help create classes that support ‘traditional values.’  Some classes that Palin endorsed include ‘Introduction to Creationism,’ ‘The Values of Marriage’ and ‘The Merits of Free Trade.'”

In a separate self-congratulatory piece, the staff celebrates their mistake-free work via a write-up filled with typos.  Here’s the start.  How many mistakes do you spot? “The Montclorian staff is extremely excited to announce a straight eighty 5 years of a mistake free paper, Throughout the various production issues and deadlines, they have still managed to work through the difficulties of ever making a mistake in any article ever  ‘I am so happy that they are finally getting recognized for this”, said Murk Ludas, avid member of the DSD who is frequently featured in The Montclurian, ‘They always spell every name correctly and get all of they’re facts and spelling correct, I have never been misspelled in this paper ever,’”

The Meowerlight

(The Towerlight, Towson State University)

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Cats are on the attack at Towson State!  As the aptly named spoof pub confirms, “Six hundred and sixty-six cats, their litters, and allies crept from the Glen Woods Sunday and attacked Towson’s campus.”  The university’s president reaction: “We are considering a compromise, which would include reverting our sand volleyball courts into kitty litter, installing scratch pads on the sides of all buildings, making cat nip easily accessible on campus, and offering only premium tuna.  Until we have the word from the cats that we are safe, it is advised that all students stay in their residence halls.”

Divergence

(Mag published by The Cypress Chronicle, Cypress College)

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The “Street Buzz” portion early in the issue asks real students for some actual April Fools’ anecdotes.  Here’s a funny one: “For my twenty first birthday, I had a cousin that drank a little too much and ended up passing out really early.  While he was sleep, me and the rest of the family put shaving cream in his hands and tickled his face which lead to him slapping his face, splattering the shaving cream all over it.” And here’s a downright disturbing one: “I told all my loved ones and close friends that I had HIV. You could guess the reaction to that it was very emotional but funny at the same time.”

A separate satirical feature promises a less-than-pleasant online dating experience. As a portion of the intro announces, “Girls, are you tired of dating the same person with no end jobs?  Are you tired of dating guys who just sit around eating potato chips and playing Call of Duty?  Well look no further, because we have those guys right here!”

The Tartan, Carnegie Mellon University

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The main front-page scoop– which made me laugh and nod my head in absolute agreement at the actual possibility of what it proposes– lays out the details of a $900 million donation to CMU.  It is the largest single gift in higher education history. What happens next?  “The gift will be used to fund tuition increases.  ‘We’re very thankful for [the donor],’ university President Jared Cohon said in a press release. ‘Without his contribution, we would not be able to fund an increase in student tuition.  This donation serves to show that Carnegie Mellon is a quality institution, though.  Our sticker price can now be adjusted upward to reflect that.”

Another front-pager focuses on a proposal to up the school’s student body beauty quotient: “The president called for a complete restructuring of the admissions process to favor attractive applicants and to ‘cut down on all this ugly.’  He also petitioned the university for scholarship funds that would be granted to current aesthetically displeasing students willing to transfer out.”

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